Running the gauntlet

So how had I forgotten how much therapy DRAINS you?

Two hours of talking about myself, babbling stories of how and where and when I have problems, surprisingly having to keep myself from breaking down more than once.

I think that entire two-hour period I had every muscle in my body clenched.

I was a lot more nervous about the meeting than I thought I would be. I mean, it's like going into a business meeting making a proposal as to why your project should be taken on, only you have to explain exactly how you are messed up and why you need help with it. So in addition to trying to get someone to care, you have to talk about already painful things.

I found that I have extreme difficulty meeting peoples' eyes, more so than I thought. I found that when talking about myself and my issues I downplay it like whoa. Well, that's not a shocking revelation or anything, but the therapist actually commented on it when I was periodically giving him my anxiety level on a scale of 1-10.

I said, at first, 6. Really, it was probably more like an 8. Later, when I had relaxed a little, I said about 4. Really, more like 5 or 6.

I downplay myself because...it feels weak to be so stressed out over such a...commonplace thing. I feel guilty being stressed out over commonplace things when there are so many more valid reasons to be stressed. I don't want people to know how stressed out I am because I want them to like me, and who would feel drawn towards a spastic mess?

He left about halfway through to get some paperwork, and I actually did have a mini-breakdown. I was able to get it under control fairly quickly, but it was a measure of how. Damn. Stressed. I. Was.

After it was over, I was seriously exhausted. I wanted to go home (instead of going to the library like we'd planned) and take a nap. I wanted to retreat into myself and not have to talk to Husband or cook or anything. Of course, I couldn't do that, but at least I got some old comfort books to calm down in.

The day after was like...I don't know why it would be this way, but it was like all the worry of the day before had compounded itself to where I felt literally ill with anxiety about going to work. That day combined with the tension of the day before gave me the tension headache to end all tension headaches. I've had tension and posture-related pain in my neck and shoulders ever since. Oy.

So...the therapy. Will it work? I don't know. I liked the therapist. He seems nice and willing to work with me. He wants me to speak to the center's medicine person to discuss my options re: medication, but he doesn't seem to want to push me to take anything. He seems open-minded and like he will take a creative approach to helping me.

I hope it works. The money issue means maybe I can only go twice a month, which means it might take longer for me to get better, but I'm optimistic. I would just like to get to where I'm able to do normal, every-day things without feeling like I'm about to die. Chat with people, go to work, make mistakes.

Not want to run away before I make mistakes. Not feel like enemies are lurking behind every bush, waiting to mock my every imperfection.