So tired.

Well, okay, my two-week project was a success for its duration, for the most part anyway.

I worked out more. Then I kind of got sick, and one day I think I just slept instead of exercising. But! Sleeping does burn calories, so, I dunno, maybe it counts?

I didn't eat any more sugar. Well, except for the ketchup. Then the instant the two weeks was over, I kinda went hog wild and ate soft-serve and M&Ms and cake and those mallow-creme pumpkins that you only get around Halloween and oh yeah, I failed.

No caffeine or alcohol. Not that this was so difficult.

Amazingly enough, I made it without pretzels. I had my raisins and my sunflower seeds, and honestly, I just didn't snack much. I ate ACTUAL food at meals instead. Astonishing!

Now the two weeks has been over for a while and I may as well not have bothered. We still walk to the mail sometimes, but it's been cold and rainy so as regular exercise it's a bust. I've eaten tons of sugar. I've had some caffeine because of massive amounts of inn-working, which I shall describe later, and even a touch of alcohol. The instant the two weeks was over, I went out and bought a bag of pretzels, though admittedly I didn't buy one this week and I might just keep up that pattern.

And I've been deeeeepressed again. Hurray!

They say the body remembers things long after our minds have forgotten them, gotten over them, simply not thought about them for ages.
Both my aunt and my mother feel inexplicably depressed in the spring, despite the fact that they both love the spring, the holidays and flowers and foods. This is because their mother passed away then, nearly forty years ago, suddenly and without closure. It took my aunt going to a therapist to figure out that's what it was.

My cousin always feels horrible to the day of her traumatic break-up with her ex-boyfriend several years ago. She never quite remembers it, always just wonders why she feels so crappy, until she goes back and re-reads her blog from years past.

I hate that my own traumatic experience with my job and my boss was happening last year this time. I love the fall. I mean, I hate it because it means the winter is right around the corner and I detest being cold, but I love it because it's beautiful. It's got my favorite seasonal foods and bright colors and wonderful smells everywhere.
But now I keep remembering how awful I was feeling last year at this time. I keep trying to remember that I should be jumping for joy that I'm NOT THERE ANYMORE. My body refuses to listen. I think that's really the only reason I'm feeling this right now. There's no other real reason.

I feel like I'm getting more paranoid, shutting myself in a lot more. I feel like my brain is refusing to let words out, and my face is showing everyone how scared I am, how needy, how desperate. I feel like living every-day life, which involves talking to people and being around people and having to measure up to what my job requires of me and the like, is almost intolerable sometimes. I feel like I will never be good enough, never be able to open up, never be wanted or cared about, never be worth anything, never be anything other than a trembling fetal ball of repressed fear.

I wonder if, when January rolls around, this will change any.